Thursday, January 14, 2010

Things troubling me lately...

I'm so happy with so many things in my life right now: I'm really happy with school, I love my major and I'm so passionate about it, I'm excited to start my teaching career, I have a great group of friends in the program who are inspiring to me, I love my job at the ASU Child Development Lab -- the two-year-olds that I work with surprise me and amaze me every day, and they too inspire me and help me to look at life in a different way--, I love my relationship and where it's headed, I love the relationship I have with my sister and my other family members. BUT, there's still something ,or rather someone -- someone so vital, so special-- who is missing in all this happiness, my mom. My sweet, amazing mom. All of these wonderful things are going on in my life without my mom. I want her to be here to share in this happiness. Whenever something good in my life happens I think about how my mom is missing out on it-- she's missing out on another milestone, another accomplishment. I KNOW she would be proud of me, but I want her to be here to tell me that. I want to tell her about all of the funny things the kids said to me or did that day -- she appreciated those kinds of stories in a way that no body else does. Oh how I dream of having conversations with her again. I HATE DEATH!! I hate it so badly sometimes. I don't want it to be a part of life! I don't want anyone to tell me it's all okay because I'll see her again! I want her NOW!! It's just not fair, and I HATE it! I hate hating something, but sometimes I just can't help it. It's too hard not to sometimes. Every girl (or most girls) have such a special bond with their mom, a bond that no one else would/could understand. I had a very special bond with my mom that can never be replaced. I don't ever want it to be replaced. I will NEVER stop missing her. It's a scary feeling. But it would be scarier if I ever did stop missing her-- it's just not possible though. Every girl needs her amazing mom to share that special, personal bond. I will ALWAYS treasure the WONDERFUL, AMAZING relationship my mom and I had.

This is a picture of my mom during our last trip to California. I think she looks beautiful. Her favorite thing to do on vacation was her favorite thing to do all the time, relax in a comfy, pretty place, and READ. She absolutely loved to read, she read predominantly mystery books. She was an amazing reader. She would read 6 books at a time, and finish a 700 page book in a week or less. She loved to just escape into a great novel. If only I could get that into reading. I like reading, but not nearly the way she did. Recently my sister and I have started to become interested in mystery novels and we wish she were here to discuss the books with us-- she would really love that. The best times spent with our mom was sitting and chatting. We had such wonderful, thoughtful conversations with her. She was such a great listener and advice-giver-- never judging. Oh how I love and miss my lovely mom.


  1. I love and miss her too! I HATE that she is not here too!! She was always the best to talk to about anything!!! I will never stop missing her as well!! I think I am still numb from everything and still have a pretty hard time but I am glad I have you in my life!! You are the best sister ever!!! You help me be a stronger person!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

  2. oh my sweet little allie. i miss your mom too. the last memory i had with your mom was sitting and looking at liz's engagement pictures just me and her and we sat and laughed and made fun of some of them (dont tell liz!) but i always think of that day and i can't wait to spend more time w/ her later. i truly dont have a clue as to how you're feeling right now but i love you and just know that. :) i guess everything else will fall into place one day. love ya sista!!

  3. I miss your mom! I can't even imagine how much you do! I hate death too! Allie you are amazing & so strong! I love you!